Since Molly has been born and we have moved, I feel like now, more than ever, my sense of fear, worry, and/or anxiety has at times, overtaken me. I don't know if it is being in a new place and having another life I am responsible for, that I am more aware of them, or if it is Satan's way of warping my mind because he knows this is where he can get me psychologically at this time in my life. Probably a little of everything. I am constantly battling a mind game of "what if's," and that has inevitably, become my worst fear. "What if" this happens, or "what if" that. I hate the "what ifs!" Not only what ifs, but fears in general. Fear of not being close to family, fear of not knowing anyone, fear of not meeting anyone, fear of Molly not being around her friends (really my friends that have babies), and having little ones to play with, fear of something terrible happening to her, Matt, or myself; fears of someone coming into my house, what if she doesn't get enough milk/food, what if she doesn't take a long enough nap or get enough sleep, what if I don't teach her something important...the list goes on and on. I know all of this sounds like par for the course once you have a kid, but I am convinced that I can choose to not live in fear or worry...or maybe just not to the extent that I do. The question is: "Can I imagine myself not living in fear, presenting all of my requests to the Lord?" Trust me, I try... I guess I still think I can dig down deep enough and with my Type A personality, find a quick fix. Funny how God seems to give me a swift kick and softly whisper..."Trust me to take care of you."
It's easy to say I trust God when all things are going well and I feel taken care of, but "what if" one of those feared "what ifs" were to happen, would I still trust and think God is good? Is my trust and love for Him conditional? I hope not, but it terrifies me to think that sometimes it is. I have to TRUST that my God WILL take care of me, should one of the "what ifs" were to happen.
I know that God brought us to San Antonio for this season of life. As I look and play with Molly during my day, I am reminded that this is one reason why we are here...and I am thankful. I was reminded in scripture the other day that He has determined the times set for me and the exact places where I should live. Surely, if He has determined this, he has not forgotten about me... and my fears.
Thank you to my bible study of Esther for allowing God's word to speak to me. While Esther risked her life for the sake of saving her people, she faced her fear of dying, so others may live. I pray I would have her courage of living for something greater. That I would look at my fears and worries and deny their authority over me.
That is what I will choose, and this is how I will strive to live.
I will be safe and not stumble. When I lie down, I will not be afraid and my sleep will be sweet. I will not fear of disaster or ruin that overtakes the wicked for YOU LORD are my confidence and will keep me safe. Proverbs 3:24
